Salt Review: Left me Dry.

Who is Salt?

That’s a mighty fine question to pose, movie poster. I’m still not entirely sure who Salt is, except that I know she just wants to be the “good guy.”
Thus, Hollywood has churned out yet another relatively shallow “blockbuster” star vehicle by the name of “Salt.”

The story, to the best of my ability to comprehend, is about a woman named Evelyn Salt (Angelina Jolie, as if you didn’t know) who’s accused of being a Russian sleeper agent in the U.S. She leads a normal life as a good ol’ American citizen working for the C.I.A. when a Russian man named Orlov (a man whose name I’m just too lazy to look up) is captured and interrogated. Upon this interrogation, he spills the beans that Salt is a Russian spy and that she’s going to kill the Russian President when he comes to visit America on behalf of the American Vice President’s death. Oh, and she has a husband who is really into spiders, whose existence in the film is almost completely useless save for one pivotal point about halfway through. That's just shoddy writing, and is about as close to a deus ex machina as you can get without literally being called a deus ex machina.

Anyway, as you can guess, she runs away and everyone in America is out to get her. Her bff Ted (Liev Schrieber) plays dumb throughout the entire chase and truly believes that Salt is innocent.

Of course, until she tries to assassinate the President of Russia. AT A CHURCH of all places. She really knows how to put the "fun" in "funeral."

But I digress, scenes like that are what make Salt a deliciously fun film. Campy at times, Salt is enthralling, and with a tagline like "Who is Salt?" you'd have to be a complete idiot not to realize that there's going to be at least one huge twist in the film. Then you discover that there's about 4. Then you come to terms with the fact that Salt goes from being really cool and slick to just ridiculous.

SPOILER:
Why is it ridiculous? Just like the "SPOILER" in all caps reads, you may not want to read this paragraph. If you're still reading, you've been warned. The point where boy-next-door Ted decides to go Postal and SMG the bejesus out of EVERYONE in the President's war room is when I just felt violated and confused. The twist was interesting (if not foreseeable), but it went way too over the top. I'm a fan of over the top. In fact, my favorite action movie of all time is Grindhouse and it really doesn't get more over the top than that. But you're telling me than a man who's entrusted with sitting next to the President of the United States in a confined and highly isolated room while launching nuclear warheads at any country he so chooses can just waltz around and shoot every single person in there without so much as a scratch on his knee?
:END OF SPOILER

Anyway, Salt has its moments of boldness when it comes to how far it is willing to push you until you finally say "Okay, really?" That has nothing to do with how she defies physics as she seamlessly jumps from car to car on a busy highway... it's all in terms of story. A man whom the Central INTELLIGENCE Agency is believed to be a foreign terrorist cannot just walk into their headquarters armed with a knife, kill two of their finest employees, then just walk out never to be heard from again. That just doesn't happen.

Jolie does a fine job with the script she's given, and she should be commended. She still stands as one of our favorite Femme Fatales in the movie biz, and she's not losing that status any time soon. Then again, it's hard for anyone to remember a tried and true "good" movie she's been in that wasn't all hyped up just because she was the star. Salt is yet another cinematic endeavor that comes out during Summer, people will most likely love for a week, and then be forgotten in the disarray of past Summer action blockbusters we all dearly knew. That's pretty much all there is to it. Salt is great the day you see it, pretty good the following week, then it's easily replaced by another film of the exact same quality.

Salt is a gimmick. It's not necessarily bad by any means of the word, but it just won't transcend any standards or become the new "Die Hard" franchise we should be so ready for. It hardly does anything new, its main driving force is Jolie and the only reason anyone will "like" the film enough to refer it to friends is because it presents several twists that some of us will see coming a mile away and some of us will suspend our disbelief long enough to pretend we didn't see it coming a mile away. From an action standpoint, Salt was frenetic and fun in all the right places. From any other standpoint, Salt falls flat.

-Kyle Shelton
5.0/10

More New Pokemon Revealed and Confirmed for “Black and White.”

Gochiruzeru – Psychic type

This seems to be the new generation “Jynx” –esque Pokemon for us to look forward to. So far, the only real humanoid monsters we’ve been introduced to are Mr. Mime, Jynx, and their baby counterparts, but aside from looking pretty human-ish, it’s even a Psychic type. I’m not sure why all the human-looking Pokemon have to be Psychic types… but regardless, she looks cool enough and is apparently based off of a crazy Gothic trend sweeping Japanese teenagers, according to Pokecharms.com.

Kibago – Dragon type

Kibago seems to be the new Dratini or Gible of this next generation. Being a Dragon type, you can already bet that its evolutions are going to be monstrous and pretty badass, especially from the tusks and shark fin it retains on its head. You can also bet it’ll be a complete pain to raise, if experience with other 3-stage Dragon type Pokemon serves as any evidence.

Koromori – Psychic/Flying type

Some think that this peculiar creature, Koromori, will be the new Zubat. I think this can’t possibly be true because Zubat was a Flying/Poison type, and it was extremely lame. I’m not going to say Koromori looks like an awesome end-all laser-firing tank Pokemon or anything, but the simple fact that it’s a Psychic type serves as good debate against the “Zubat” idea. However, it very well could be the next lame cave-Pidgey… but I wouldn’t think it just because it has a bat demeanor.

Minezumi – Normal type

Might this be our new Rattata or Poochyena or Sentret? It’s a possibility, but I’ve gotta say that Minezumi looks a heck of a lot cooler than those 3 Pokemon combined. It’s beady and furious looking red eyes combined with its militant stance demonstrate that this might be more than your average 2-stage field prowler… albeit just might be your average 2-stage field prowler, but it draws me in way more than say lame Rattata ever did.

Musharna – Psychic type

Out of all the new Pokemon on this list to be revealed, Musharna seems to be the most innovative in terms of new features. Being based on the tapir, Musharna has an ability known as “Dream Smoke” which somehow connects with the global Pokemon community and will allegedly allow players to upload their saved games to the network, allowing for multiple, simultaneous games to be played and saved. If this is true, then all hail Nintendo for FINALLY letting you save more than one Pokemon game. I know the games are pretty massive and all, but it sucks that you get so invested in one sit-through, just to start the thing over and lost everything you’ve acquire unless you buy another Pokemon game or, gasp, have friends.

Ranculus – Psychic type

There’s not too much to speculate here; Ranculus seems to be a tiny Psychic type Pokemon who will, no doubt, evolve into something much bigger and badder. Its design is surely creative, though, being based on our single-celled organism companions that lurk pretty much everywhere.

Wargle – Flying type

Now Wargle is who I’m really excited for (and conveniently is last in this alphabetical list I made). There’s speculation that Wargle might be in Spearow’s family tree; in other words, this might be an alternate evolution of Spearow (I don’t know why anyone would prefer Fearow over this awesome and patriotic Pokemon, though), or a 3rd stage evolution past Fearow. Nothing is really known yet, though. My bet is that it’s most likely like Skarmory, just a cool Flying-type that stands on its own with no evolutionary track. I’m okay with either way, though. It’s rare to see a Pokemon that looks like it could’ve come from 1st Generation in terms of design, but Wargle looks like it certainly could’ve and it looks like a Pokemon I probably would’ve had in my favorites.

Always Say Always: Another Child Actor Enters the Music Scene: Jaden Smith

Justin Bieber is quite the polarizing artists. Some hate him. Some (aka every 14 year old girl) love him. Some hate him and love his music (me).

Well his most recent collaboration is karate chopping its way to the airwaves. "Never Say Never" is a song produced by The Messengers and performed by Justin Bieber and The Karate Kid star, Jaden Smith. It serves as a "theme song" for the film, but most never really heard it till recently when it started charting on the Billboard top 100. Debuting at number 96 this past week, "Never Say Never" is a surefire hit, featuring the automatic chart-topper Mr. Bieber as well as the unorthodox but surely welcome guest rapper, Jaden Smith.

Check the song out in my sidebar. I've added an auto-play playlist chronicling my ever-changing personal music chart. Never Say Never is in the #2 position, just below Eminem and Rihanna's exceptional "Love the Way you Lie" and just above The White Tie Affair's Summer party anthem "You Look Better when I'm Drunk." Let me know what you think!

Despicable Me Review: More Amicable than Despicable.

We, as a movie-watching community, tend to believe that if an animated film isn’t produced by Pixar or Dreamworks, that it’s bound to be awful. Most times, you’d be correct; anything that isn’t Shrek, How to Train your Dragon, or Toy Story seems to fall ill-fated to both commercial and critical torment.
Then a film like “Despicable Me” arises from the ashes of its fallen brethren and takes everyone aback. Produced by Universal (as you might be able to tell from the NBC logo popping up every few scenes) and NOT Pixar or Dreamworks, Despicable Me ends up being a fresh, funny and creative little title that will surprise most audiences.

Starring Steve Carrell as the “evil” protagonist, Gru, Despicable Me tells the story of the aforementioned hero/villain trying to outdo a competing villain named Vector. After Vector steals one of the Great Pyramids, Gru sets out to steal… well, what else? The moon, of course.

This isn’t enough of a plot, however. Three little girls, Margo, Edith and Agnes are thrown into the foray. Orphaned at a young age, they work for their house mother Ms. Hattie selling cookies door-to-door like girl scouts. Upon discovering that Vector has a extremely valuable and vital shrink ray in his fortress and that he loves “coconutties” cookies, Gru adopts the three little girls and plants tiny robots in Vector’s home as they sell him his favorite treat. Thus, you have two simultaneous, competing storylines contending with eachother for your attention. Do you care more about Gru’s success as the world’s most infamous villain or for the three little girls’ desire to be wanted in the world?

Both. You will care about both. At their centers, each plots revolves around the characters (Gru and the three girls) looking for acceptance in a world that hasn't been so kind to them up till this point. Both of these plots end up skimming each other throughout the film, but never really intertwine till about the third act. They’re well paced for the most part, but the girls enter Gru’s life in a heartbeat, exit in a heartbeat, then come back in… the same heartbeat. That loving relationship between Gru and the girls seems a bit rushed at parts, and this is mainly due to the dual storylines. Both of these plots are fairly linear and predictable for the most part… it’s all mushy cutesy kiddy fodder, but it’s still pretty funny and rarely resorts to the low-brow 5 year old humor that many, even “adult” films, seem to over-utilize.

The one truly redeeming quality of the film, however, is the group of characters, particularly Gru, Margo and Agnes. Gru, in fact, is just a fantastically made character, from his physical appearance to his psychology and mindset. He’s the lovable and equally hate-able(?) character. From the get-go, you’ll be rooting for him… and you won’t know why. An opening scene of his demonstrates his villainy as he shapes a dog out of a balloon and gives it to a child who just dropped his ice cream… then pops it and walks away unapologetically. For some reason, though, you just love him, similar to the way you might love a character like Jack Sparrow who is basically a greedy, selfish antihero who wins over your heart in the end. Then you have Agnes, the youngest of the three girls, who is lovable just for the sake of being lovable. She has big eyes and a silly demeanor, with an obsession with unicorns. If she doesn’t have you sold in the first half of the film, wait for the carnival scene where she eyes a gigantic, “fluffy” unicorn that she desperately wants. Agnes is the oldest (albeit, still relatively young) sister of the three orphans, and while she’s not particularly adorable or exciting, she keeps the other two in check. She’s a safety net for the emotionally unstable and young Agnes, and the calm, mature version of the usually rambunctious middle-child Edith.

Unfortunately, though, Gru is the only character who's given an inkling of a back-story. While there's no concrete reasoning for why he loves being "evil," he has a reason for trying to outdo himself and others repeatedly, and that's the lack of acceptance and pride from his mother; this is the main driving force for most of Gru's actions and his eventual love of the three orphans, other than typical family-movie formula. Nothing is said of the three little girls' past and why/how they're orphaned, Vector has no real motive behind anything he does except to appease daddy, and there's an almost useless twist about 3/4 of the way through that in no way alters the plot. There's also a lack of a father figure in Gru's life which... doesn't account for anything either.

What Despicable Me ultimately ends up lacking is depth. Everything about the movie is adorable, which may win you over in the short-run... but this isn't a film you're ever going to go out of your way to show to someone. No one will ever really say "Oh em gee you have to see Despicable Me, it's soooooo0o0o good!" With good reason, of course; as lovable as it is, it's purely forgettable. I've come across an article online stating that Illumination Entertainment is already working on a sequel. As much as I love Gru, the story doesn't need a sequel; rather, Gru needs his own, independent movie. Despicable Me is all sheen and no shimmer, you fall in love with the looks and not the personality. This isn't to say that it's an awful movie beneath its cuteness by any means, but this really could have been a heavy contender against any of Pixar's works had it developed a more deep back-story, less cosmetic focus and more focus on the smarter comedy than the slapstick. The Minions, Gru's numerous, short yellow henchmen, really steal the show here, for no other reason than their 3 Stooges-esque humor.

Despicable Me is beautifully animated and conceptualized, but the execution beyond that is just a tad bit flawed.

7.5/10
-Kyle Shelton