Resident Evil: Afterlife Review: The Afterlife is going to Suck.

Dear 3D,

Hey. I have a problem with you. You seem to be obnoxiously popping your head in every place you can without any regard for the movies you taint so terribly. Just because Avatar ended up being a great 3D experience doesn't mean every film will be a great 3D experience. Just because things pop out at you and it feels like you can grab them doesn't mean it will enhance the film in any way. Just because movie studios think a bunch of people paying $5-10 extra to look like mental clinic patients all in the same room with gigantic, impractical eye-glasses is hilarious doesn't mean we think it's hilarious.

...yet I will still continue to fall for the cheap gimmick every time.

However, this doesn't mean I won't rant in rage against any 3D film that abuses that extra dimension advantage over other films every chance I get. I'm talking about the new Resident Evil: Afterlife film, also known as The Matrix 4: Zombie Slaying Women in Tight Clothing directed by Zack Snyder.

TM4:ZSWiTC was a bit of a letdown, 3D. Sure, the film itself was pretty bad, but your slow motion and blatantly amateur level of 3D layering was extremely offensive to me. At any point in the film, I could've taken off the dual picture frames hugging my face and visibly noticed exactly where the post-production team cut off 3D effects and started them. Tsk tsk, shame on you.

TM4:ZSWiTC isn't the first film to abuse you, though, but it's only in a long-running list that's starting to undermine what you COULD be. Avatar did you right; hell, even Toy Story 3 used you to great advantage. Even Piranha 3D was praised by critics, specifically for the your inclusion. Perhaps you should start attributing yourself to more meaningful and highly-regarded media... once Pride and Prejudice is remade for a 3D revival, you might get the attention you deserve. Run with it, 3D. Just run with it...

Unfortunately, you're stuck with films like TM4:ZSWiTC. Let me expound on what made this film so bad and perhaps you'll know what not to do from now on.

TM4:ZSWiTC is a cheap, clingy whore. You pay your money to get your thrills, and once you're done, you feel like you need to see a doctor as fast as possible. Also, she's a bit predictable. I'll say I pretty much called 90% of all important... er, "important" plot developments in the film. Too much in TM4:ZSWiTC was just completely unnecessary, like the adorable little Asian intern who literally does NOTHING. No. Thing. His inclusion in the movie is unbeknownst to me to this point in my life. I don't care that I'm spoiling this for you, but he's killed off about halfway through just to let everyone else in the room know that there miiiiiiiiiiiiiight be danger afoot. The plot mirrors the plot of Extinction in terms of characters, considering Alice is by herself being awesome, then encounters a group of survivors whom don't all survive, then she leads them to safety and freedom only to be put in danger once again and leave a ridiculous cliffhanger at the end. Also, if TM4:ZSWiTC was played at a normal rate, the movie would probably be an hour long. So many slow motion sequences end up proving that "too much of a good thing" is a terrible thing. The Matrix did it right; TM4:ZSWiTC is abusive.

So when it comes down to it, Resident Evil: Aft- I mean TM4:ZSWiTC - ends up being typical. Nothing new or inventive, nothing memorable, nothing truly spectacular. This will most likely be known as the Saw IV of the Resident Evil series (and don't tell me you remember anything from Saw IV, because you don't).

Sincerely with a 4/10,
Kyle Shelton

The Last Exorcism Review: There's a Reason it's the LAST.

Let's face it... Eli Roth isn't any sort of mastermind of the movies or cinematic genius. He made Hostel. People like seeing their own kind being ripped apart to pieces. Therefore, people liked Hostel. The general public can't really pin anything else on Eli Roth other than torture porn, and yet he slapped his name on this rather gore-less film entitled "The Last Exorcism." It's still beyond me why he attached his name to it... I would assume just to get some money and publicize it more.

But I digress. The Last Exorcism is a mockumentary-style film about a pastor named Cotton (Patrick Fabian) who tries to prove that exorcisms as a whole are a hoax. So he hires a cameraman and director/producer/boom operator/only-logical-person, Iris (Iris Bahr) to follow him as he attends to a request to exorcise a young girl named Nell (Ashley Bell). He sets up an elaborate and staged exorcism in her room when no one's looking and fakes an exorcism for her, but events take a turn for the worst when everyone figures out... it didn't work. Then the story delves into some sort of conspiracy where the whole demonized girl might be fake, might be real, might be a cover-up, she might have a mental disorder... point is, you have no idea what's going on.

First of all, as I've pointed out in at least one other review (for my loyal following of about 3 people), I hate nondiegetic sound/music in a horror film. To me, the point of being scared is putting yourself in the shoes of the main character or whatever victim is being shown; that person you're trying to live vicariously through is not hearing screeching violins and Jaws-esque suspense music... and the fact that filmmakers throw that in to scare you is cheap. Cheap cheap cheap. Which brings me to my next point:

The Last Exorcism is a mockumentary. Think movies like Cloverfield and Blair Witch Project; it's another entry into the shaky-cam, lost footage genre of filming we're seeing more and more of... but there's post-produced sound effects, music and editing weaved in. I guess whoever found this lost footage decided to try and win an Oscar before submitting it to, I don't know, the police?

To the film's credit, it's certainly at least a little fresh, inventive and creative. There's a scene involving Cotton trying to make a room seem possessed which is priceless because it essentially mocks the very genre it's trying to be. This also isn't your typical "there's something behind you" horror film either; in fact, it doesn't have many scares at all. It's more of a suspense-driven film for about 99% of it. All in all, it would be a love-it-or-hate-it kind of situation, if it weren't for the worst movie ending/twist of all time. I won't spoil it for the sake of anyone who still wants to see it, but the ending is just plain awful. It's contrived and almost offensive to the viewer, leaving you brain-f***ed with so much as a "You're an idiot" sign off line. Seriously.

Through its few fun moments and intriguing ideas, The Last Exorcism fails miserably within the last few minutes. I didn't like it overall, but I would've have at least respected its existence were it not for the ending. Ashley Bell is instantly likable, though, and I wouldn't be surprised to see her floating around a few future projects here and there, but she's the only savior for this satanic suck-fest.

3/10
-Kyle Shelton