Resident Evil: Afterlife Review: The Afterlife is going to Suck.

Dear 3D,

Hey. I have a problem with you. You seem to be obnoxiously popping your head in every place you can without any regard for the movies you taint so terribly. Just because Avatar ended up being a great 3D experience doesn't mean every film will be a great 3D experience. Just because things pop out at you and it feels like you can grab them doesn't mean it will enhance the film in any way. Just because movie studios think a bunch of people paying $5-10 extra to look like mental clinic patients all in the same room with gigantic, impractical eye-glasses is hilarious doesn't mean we think it's hilarious.

...yet I will still continue to fall for the cheap gimmick every time.

However, this doesn't mean I won't rant in rage against any 3D film that abuses that extra dimension advantage over other films every chance I get. I'm talking about the new Resident Evil: Afterlife film, also known as The Matrix 4: Zombie Slaying Women in Tight Clothing directed by Zack Snyder.

TM4:ZSWiTC was a bit of a letdown, 3D. Sure, the film itself was pretty bad, but your slow motion and blatantly amateur level of 3D layering was extremely offensive to me. At any point in the film, I could've taken off the dual picture frames hugging my face and visibly noticed exactly where the post-production team cut off 3D effects and started them. Tsk tsk, shame on you.

TM4:ZSWiTC isn't the first film to abuse you, though, but it's only in a long-running list that's starting to undermine what you COULD be. Avatar did you right; hell, even Toy Story 3 used you to great advantage. Even Piranha 3D was praised by critics, specifically for the your inclusion. Perhaps you should start attributing yourself to more meaningful and highly-regarded media... once Pride and Prejudice is remade for a 3D revival, you might get the attention you deserve. Run with it, 3D. Just run with it...

Unfortunately, you're stuck with films like TM4:ZSWiTC. Let me expound on what made this film so bad and perhaps you'll know what not to do from now on.

TM4:ZSWiTC is a cheap, clingy whore. You pay your money to get your thrills, and once you're done, you feel like you need to see a doctor as fast as possible. Also, she's a bit predictable. I'll say I pretty much called 90% of all important... er, "important" plot developments in the film. Too much in TM4:ZSWiTC was just completely unnecessary, like the adorable little Asian intern who literally does NOTHING. No. Thing. His inclusion in the movie is unbeknownst to me to this point in my life. I don't care that I'm spoiling this for you, but he's killed off about halfway through just to let everyone else in the room know that there miiiiiiiiiiiiiight be danger afoot. The plot mirrors the plot of Extinction in terms of characters, considering Alice is by herself being awesome, then encounters a group of survivors whom don't all survive, then she leads them to safety and freedom only to be put in danger once again and leave a ridiculous cliffhanger at the end. Also, if TM4:ZSWiTC was played at a normal rate, the movie would probably be an hour long. So many slow motion sequences end up proving that "too much of a good thing" is a terrible thing. The Matrix did it right; TM4:ZSWiTC is abusive.

So when it comes down to it, Resident Evil: Aft- I mean TM4:ZSWiTC - ends up being typical. Nothing new or inventive, nothing memorable, nothing truly spectacular. This will most likely be known as the Saw IV of the Resident Evil series (and don't tell me you remember anything from Saw IV, because you don't).

Sincerely with a 4/10,
Kyle Shelton

The Last Exorcism Review: There's a Reason it's the LAST.

Let's face it... Eli Roth isn't any sort of mastermind of the movies or cinematic genius. He made Hostel. People like seeing their own kind being ripped apart to pieces. Therefore, people liked Hostel. The general public can't really pin anything else on Eli Roth other than torture porn, and yet he slapped his name on this rather gore-less film entitled "The Last Exorcism." It's still beyond me why he attached his name to it... I would assume just to get some money and publicize it more.

But I digress. The Last Exorcism is a mockumentary-style film about a pastor named Cotton (Patrick Fabian) who tries to prove that exorcisms as a whole are a hoax. So he hires a cameraman and director/producer/boom operator/only-logical-person, Iris (Iris Bahr) to follow him as he attends to a request to exorcise a young girl named Nell (Ashley Bell). He sets up an elaborate and staged exorcism in her room when no one's looking and fakes an exorcism for her, but events take a turn for the worst when everyone figures out... it didn't work. Then the story delves into some sort of conspiracy where the whole demonized girl might be fake, might be real, might be a cover-up, she might have a mental disorder... point is, you have no idea what's going on.

First of all, as I've pointed out in at least one other review (for my loyal following of about 3 people), I hate nondiegetic sound/music in a horror film. To me, the point of being scared is putting yourself in the shoes of the main character or whatever victim is being shown; that person you're trying to live vicariously through is not hearing screeching violins and Jaws-esque suspense music... and the fact that filmmakers throw that in to scare you is cheap. Cheap cheap cheap. Which brings me to my next point:

The Last Exorcism is a mockumentary. Think movies like Cloverfield and Blair Witch Project; it's another entry into the shaky-cam, lost footage genre of filming we're seeing more and more of... but there's post-produced sound effects, music and editing weaved in. I guess whoever found this lost footage decided to try and win an Oscar before submitting it to, I don't know, the police?

To the film's credit, it's certainly at least a little fresh, inventive and creative. There's a scene involving Cotton trying to make a room seem possessed which is priceless because it essentially mocks the very genre it's trying to be. This also isn't your typical "there's something behind you" horror film either; in fact, it doesn't have many scares at all. It's more of a suspense-driven film for about 99% of it. All in all, it would be a love-it-or-hate-it kind of situation, if it weren't for the worst movie ending/twist of all time. I won't spoil it for the sake of anyone who still wants to see it, but the ending is just plain awful. It's contrived and almost offensive to the viewer, leaving you brain-f***ed with so much as a "You're an idiot" sign off line. Seriously.

Through its few fun moments and intriguing ideas, The Last Exorcism fails miserably within the last few minutes. I didn't like it overall, but I would've have at least respected its existence were it not for the ending. Ashley Bell is instantly likable, though, and I wouldn't be surprised to see her floating around a few future projects here and there, but she's the only savior for this satanic suck-fest.

3/10
-Kyle Shelton

Salt Review: Left me Dry.

Who is Salt?

That’s a mighty fine question to pose, movie poster. I’m still not entirely sure who Salt is, except that I know she just wants to be the “good guy.”
Thus, Hollywood has churned out yet another relatively shallow “blockbuster” star vehicle by the name of “Salt.”

The story, to the best of my ability to comprehend, is about a woman named Evelyn Salt (Angelina Jolie, as if you didn’t know) who’s accused of being a Russian sleeper agent in the U.S. She leads a normal life as a good ol’ American citizen working for the C.I.A. when a Russian man named Orlov (a man whose name I’m just too lazy to look up) is captured and interrogated. Upon this interrogation, he spills the beans that Salt is a Russian spy and that she’s going to kill the Russian President when he comes to visit America on behalf of the American Vice President’s death. Oh, and she has a husband who is really into spiders, whose existence in the film is almost completely useless save for one pivotal point about halfway through. That's just shoddy writing, and is about as close to a deus ex machina as you can get without literally being called a deus ex machina.

Anyway, as you can guess, she runs away and everyone in America is out to get her. Her bff Ted (Liev Schrieber) plays dumb throughout the entire chase and truly believes that Salt is innocent.

Of course, until she tries to assassinate the President of Russia. AT A CHURCH of all places. She really knows how to put the "fun" in "funeral."

But I digress, scenes like that are what make Salt a deliciously fun film. Campy at times, Salt is enthralling, and with a tagline like "Who is Salt?" you'd have to be a complete idiot not to realize that there's going to be at least one huge twist in the film. Then you discover that there's about 4. Then you come to terms with the fact that Salt goes from being really cool and slick to just ridiculous.

SPOILER:
Why is it ridiculous? Just like the "SPOILER" in all caps reads, you may not want to read this paragraph. If you're still reading, you've been warned. The point where boy-next-door Ted decides to go Postal and SMG the bejesus out of EVERYONE in the President's war room is when I just felt violated and confused. The twist was interesting (if not foreseeable), but it went way too over the top. I'm a fan of over the top. In fact, my favorite action movie of all time is Grindhouse and it really doesn't get more over the top than that. But you're telling me than a man who's entrusted with sitting next to the President of the United States in a confined and highly isolated room while launching nuclear warheads at any country he so chooses can just waltz around and shoot every single person in there without so much as a scratch on his knee?
:END OF SPOILER

Anyway, Salt has its moments of boldness when it comes to how far it is willing to push you until you finally say "Okay, really?" That has nothing to do with how she defies physics as she seamlessly jumps from car to car on a busy highway... it's all in terms of story. A man whom the Central INTELLIGENCE Agency is believed to be a foreign terrorist cannot just walk into their headquarters armed with a knife, kill two of their finest employees, then just walk out never to be heard from again. That just doesn't happen.

Jolie does a fine job with the script she's given, and she should be commended. She still stands as one of our favorite Femme Fatales in the movie biz, and she's not losing that status any time soon. Then again, it's hard for anyone to remember a tried and true "good" movie she's been in that wasn't all hyped up just because she was the star. Salt is yet another cinematic endeavor that comes out during Summer, people will most likely love for a week, and then be forgotten in the disarray of past Summer action blockbusters we all dearly knew. That's pretty much all there is to it. Salt is great the day you see it, pretty good the following week, then it's easily replaced by another film of the exact same quality.

Salt is a gimmick. It's not necessarily bad by any means of the word, but it just won't transcend any standards or become the new "Die Hard" franchise we should be so ready for. It hardly does anything new, its main driving force is Jolie and the only reason anyone will "like" the film enough to refer it to friends is because it presents several twists that some of us will see coming a mile away and some of us will suspend our disbelief long enough to pretend we didn't see it coming a mile away. From an action standpoint, Salt was frenetic and fun in all the right places. From any other standpoint, Salt falls flat.

-Kyle Shelton
5.0/10

More New Pokemon Revealed and Confirmed for “Black and White.”

Gochiruzeru – Psychic type

This seems to be the new generation “Jynx” –esque Pokemon for us to look forward to. So far, the only real humanoid monsters we’ve been introduced to are Mr. Mime, Jynx, and their baby counterparts, but aside from looking pretty human-ish, it’s even a Psychic type. I’m not sure why all the human-looking Pokemon have to be Psychic types… but regardless, she looks cool enough and is apparently based off of a crazy Gothic trend sweeping Japanese teenagers, according to Pokecharms.com.

Kibago – Dragon type

Kibago seems to be the new Dratini or Gible of this next generation. Being a Dragon type, you can already bet that its evolutions are going to be monstrous and pretty badass, especially from the tusks and shark fin it retains on its head. You can also bet it’ll be a complete pain to raise, if experience with other 3-stage Dragon type Pokemon serves as any evidence.

Koromori – Psychic/Flying type

Some think that this peculiar creature, Koromori, will be the new Zubat. I think this can’t possibly be true because Zubat was a Flying/Poison type, and it was extremely lame. I’m not going to say Koromori looks like an awesome end-all laser-firing tank Pokemon or anything, but the simple fact that it’s a Psychic type serves as good debate against the “Zubat” idea. However, it very well could be the next lame cave-Pidgey… but I wouldn’t think it just because it has a bat demeanor.

Minezumi – Normal type

Might this be our new Rattata or Poochyena or Sentret? It’s a possibility, but I’ve gotta say that Minezumi looks a heck of a lot cooler than those 3 Pokemon combined. It’s beady and furious looking red eyes combined with its militant stance demonstrate that this might be more than your average 2-stage field prowler… albeit just might be your average 2-stage field prowler, but it draws me in way more than say lame Rattata ever did.

Musharna – Psychic type

Out of all the new Pokemon on this list to be revealed, Musharna seems to be the most innovative in terms of new features. Being based on the tapir, Musharna has an ability known as “Dream Smoke” which somehow connects with the global Pokemon community and will allegedly allow players to upload their saved games to the network, allowing for multiple, simultaneous games to be played and saved. If this is true, then all hail Nintendo for FINALLY letting you save more than one Pokemon game. I know the games are pretty massive and all, but it sucks that you get so invested in one sit-through, just to start the thing over and lost everything you’ve acquire unless you buy another Pokemon game or, gasp, have friends.

Ranculus – Psychic type

There’s not too much to speculate here; Ranculus seems to be a tiny Psychic type Pokemon who will, no doubt, evolve into something much bigger and badder. Its design is surely creative, though, being based on our single-celled organism companions that lurk pretty much everywhere.

Wargle – Flying type

Now Wargle is who I’m really excited for (and conveniently is last in this alphabetical list I made). There’s speculation that Wargle might be in Spearow’s family tree; in other words, this might be an alternate evolution of Spearow (I don’t know why anyone would prefer Fearow over this awesome and patriotic Pokemon, though), or a 3rd stage evolution past Fearow. Nothing is really known yet, though. My bet is that it’s most likely like Skarmory, just a cool Flying-type that stands on its own with no evolutionary track. I’m okay with either way, though. It’s rare to see a Pokemon that looks like it could’ve come from 1st Generation in terms of design, but Wargle looks like it certainly could’ve and it looks like a Pokemon I probably would’ve had in my favorites.

Always Say Always: Another Child Actor Enters the Music Scene: Jaden Smith

Justin Bieber is quite the polarizing artists. Some hate him. Some (aka every 14 year old girl) love him. Some hate him and love his music (me).

Well his most recent collaboration is karate chopping its way to the airwaves. "Never Say Never" is a song produced by The Messengers and performed by Justin Bieber and The Karate Kid star, Jaden Smith. It serves as a "theme song" for the film, but most never really heard it till recently when it started charting on the Billboard top 100. Debuting at number 96 this past week, "Never Say Never" is a surefire hit, featuring the automatic chart-topper Mr. Bieber as well as the unorthodox but surely welcome guest rapper, Jaden Smith.

Check the song out in my sidebar. I've added an auto-play playlist chronicling my ever-changing personal music chart. Never Say Never is in the #2 position, just below Eminem and Rihanna's exceptional "Love the Way you Lie" and just above The White Tie Affair's Summer party anthem "You Look Better when I'm Drunk." Let me know what you think!

Despicable Me Review: More Amicable than Despicable.

We, as a movie-watching community, tend to believe that if an animated film isn’t produced by Pixar or Dreamworks, that it’s bound to be awful. Most times, you’d be correct; anything that isn’t Shrek, How to Train your Dragon, or Toy Story seems to fall ill-fated to both commercial and critical torment.
Then a film like “Despicable Me” arises from the ashes of its fallen brethren and takes everyone aback. Produced by Universal (as you might be able to tell from the NBC logo popping up every few scenes) and NOT Pixar or Dreamworks, Despicable Me ends up being a fresh, funny and creative little title that will surprise most audiences.

Starring Steve Carrell as the “evil” protagonist, Gru, Despicable Me tells the story of the aforementioned hero/villain trying to outdo a competing villain named Vector. After Vector steals one of the Great Pyramids, Gru sets out to steal… well, what else? The moon, of course.

This isn’t enough of a plot, however. Three little girls, Margo, Edith and Agnes are thrown into the foray. Orphaned at a young age, they work for their house mother Ms. Hattie selling cookies door-to-door like girl scouts. Upon discovering that Vector has a extremely valuable and vital shrink ray in his fortress and that he loves “coconutties” cookies, Gru adopts the three little girls and plants tiny robots in Vector’s home as they sell him his favorite treat. Thus, you have two simultaneous, competing storylines contending with eachother for your attention. Do you care more about Gru’s success as the world’s most infamous villain or for the three little girls’ desire to be wanted in the world?

Both. You will care about both. At their centers, each plots revolves around the characters (Gru and the three girls) looking for acceptance in a world that hasn't been so kind to them up till this point. Both of these plots end up skimming each other throughout the film, but never really intertwine till about the third act. They’re well paced for the most part, but the girls enter Gru’s life in a heartbeat, exit in a heartbeat, then come back in… the same heartbeat. That loving relationship between Gru and the girls seems a bit rushed at parts, and this is mainly due to the dual storylines. Both of these plots are fairly linear and predictable for the most part… it’s all mushy cutesy kiddy fodder, but it’s still pretty funny and rarely resorts to the low-brow 5 year old humor that many, even “adult” films, seem to over-utilize.

The one truly redeeming quality of the film, however, is the group of characters, particularly Gru, Margo and Agnes. Gru, in fact, is just a fantastically made character, from his physical appearance to his psychology and mindset. He’s the lovable and equally hate-able(?) character. From the get-go, you’ll be rooting for him… and you won’t know why. An opening scene of his demonstrates his villainy as he shapes a dog out of a balloon and gives it to a child who just dropped his ice cream… then pops it and walks away unapologetically. For some reason, though, you just love him, similar to the way you might love a character like Jack Sparrow who is basically a greedy, selfish antihero who wins over your heart in the end. Then you have Agnes, the youngest of the three girls, who is lovable just for the sake of being lovable. She has big eyes and a silly demeanor, with an obsession with unicorns. If she doesn’t have you sold in the first half of the film, wait for the carnival scene where she eyes a gigantic, “fluffy” unicorn that she desperately wants. Agnes is the oldest (albeit, still relatively young) sister of the three orphans, and while she’s not particularly adorable or exciting, she keeps the other two in check. She’s a safety net for the emotionally unstable and young Agnes, and the calm, mature version of the usually rambunctious middle-child Edith.

Unfortunately, though, Gru is the only character who's given an inkling of a back-story. While there's no concrete reasoning for why he loves being "evil," he has a reason for trying to outdo himself and others repeatedly, and that's the lack of acceptance and pride from his mother; this is the main driving force for most of Gru's actions and his eventual love of the three orphans, other than typical family-movie formula. Nothing is said of the three little girls' past and why/how they're orphaned, Vector has no real motive behind anything he does except to appease daddy, and there's an almost useless twist about 3/4 of the way through that in no way alters the plot. There's also a lack of a father figure in Gru's life which... doesn't account for anything either.

What Despicable Me ultimately ends up lacking is depth. Everything about the movie is adorable, which may win you over in the short-run... but this isn't a film you're ever going to go out of your way to show to someone. No one will ever really say "Oh em gee you have to see Despicable Me, it's soooooo0o0o good!" With good reason, of course; as lovable as it is, it's purely forgettable. I've come across an article online stating that Illumination Entertainment is already working on a sequel. As much as I love Gru, the story doesn't need a sequel; rather, Gru needs his own, independent movie. Despicable Me is all sheen and no shimmer, you fall in love with the looks and not the personality. This isn't to say that it's an awful movie beneath its cuteness by any means, but this really could have been a heavy contender against any of Pixar's works had it developed a more deep back-story, less cosmetic focus and more focus on the smarter comedy than the slapstick. The Minions, Gru's numerous, short yellow henchmen, really steal the show here, for no other reason than their 3 Stooges-esque humor.

Despicable Me is beautifully animated and conceptualized, but the execution beyond that is just a tad bit flawed.

7.5/10
-Kyle Shelton

Toy Story 3 Review: Never Leave this Toy Behind.

Rarely do films get the recognition of being “perfect” in anyway whatsoever. Even more rare does a series of films gain the same accolade. Pixar, however, is the one studio that I would expect to see a perfect film and/or film series emerge. Toy Story is one of those films that you just might have grown up with, whether you were a child, a teenager, or even a parent who watched it with your family. No matter the age when you first saw Toy Story, chances are you instantly fell in love with the concept and all the characters; doesn’t hurt that it was the first computer generated feature film ever.

Up from the first Toy Story came Toy Story 2, equally beloved on almost every possible standpoint. Now, to be honest, I have only seen Toy Story 2 once and that was when it first came out… when I first watched it, I didn’t particularly enjoy it all too much. This may not be fair, though, because I probably didn’t know how to appreciate things as much when I was 10 years old. Still enjoyed it, but not nearly as much as the first.

Fast-forward ELEVEN years (yes, it’s been that long), and the final addition to the Toy Story saga is released to the masses on June 18, 2010.

Ever so rarely, ever so once-in-a-blue-moon does a film come around that garners that “perfect” emblem… and Toy Story 3 is that once-in-a-blue-moon movie.

To nitpick at Toy Story 3 is just like picking off pepperoni from your pizza, even though you love pepperoni pizza. Maybe there was just too much of it at any given point… and that might be the only real drawback of Toy Story 3.

The story deals with a lot of different themes, most notably the leaving of childhood toy connoiseur, Andy, to college. After turning 17, he leaves no room in his life for his toys, and thus has to choose between storing them in his attic, donating them to a day care center, or just throwing them away. Events lead to all of your favorite Toys from the other 2 films being sent to Sunnyside Day Care where they can be played with by infinite generations of children for eternity. However, a certain evil lurks behind Sunnyside as a tyrannical bear named “Lotso” (Ned Beatty) who tricks the Toys into living a miserable life tormented by ultra hyper, messy toddlers. Woody (Tom Hanks) ends up being the only Toy that Andy decided to bring along to college, but when he realizes what is happening to his fellow plastic companions, he risks everything to help them.

So I’m just going to get any negative things I have to say out of the way first (here comes the nitpicking). A lot of sequences in Toy Story 3 are cliché, simple. Too often you’ll be predicting exactly what will happen next and what will happen in the long-run. Plenty of scenes are also “been-there, done-that” scenes like typical cliffhangers and multiple twists occurring within a 5-minute timeframe. It also definitely feels a tad bit formulaic at times, which is mostly due to the predictability of it all.

Now I’m done being a jerk and beating up the kid everyone loves. Toy Story 3, while “formulaic,” is classically told and immensely engaging. From pulse-pounding start to heartwarming finish, you’re not going to want to leave your seat for even a second. All the characters you know and love are back, namely Woody, Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen), Rex (Wallace Shawn), Hamm (John Ratzenberger), Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head (Don Rickles and Estelle Harris), Slinky (Blake Clark) Jessie (Joan Cusack) and Bullseye… and, of course, the Pizza Planet martians.

It takes considerable skill to deftly blend elements of romance, horror, drama, action, comedy and elements of satire and perfect-pitch tongue-in-cheek parody, but Toy Story 3 managers all of this with near-perfection. It really is astounding in and of itself that Pixar can keep churning out ridiculously successful films, both critically and commercially, without missing a beat. Of course, all this mastery draws from one key sources, and that’s simply the lovability of all the characters. Each one has its own distinct personality and enough nuances to distinguish themselves apart so clearly. It’s hard to just pick one to be your favorite (although with a gun to my head I’d certainly say Rex), and that whole feeling just emanates love for the rest of the film.

Of course, Toy Story 3 introduces a slew of new characters, including a fantastic villainous bear and a metrosexual Barbie (Jodi Benson) matchup named… well, who other than Ken (Michael Keaton)?

Once you get passed how much you love any given character at any point in time, you realize that the story is perfectly paced and really pulls the punches when it comes to emotions. You’ll cry, you’ll gasp, you’ll laugh and you’ll cheer and you’ll have way too much fun doing it. Then again, this is Pixar… this studio just knows people. It knows how to make people exert all these actions at just the right time. Whatever stars aligned to bring together the development team behind Toy Story need to align more often (and fast, considering they’re apparently making a Cars sequel… not that there’s anything wrong with Cars, but it wasn’t my favorite Pixar feature and it boggles my mind that they’re making a sequel to what is probably the least successful Pixar film yet).

I digress. The action sequences in Toy Story 3 are intense, and there’s one point toward the end of the film that almost every single possible emotion to emote will be emoted emotionally. I can’t tell you what it is, of course, but it’s truly a moment of enlightenment. The last 10 minutes or so are really what get to you… for all of us college kids out there, the overall theme rings true and close to the heart, beset only by the fact that we grew up with this fantastic series and we must now see it end. ‘Tis a bittersweet ending, though, considering how extraordinarily beautiful the film is, both to the eyes and to the mind.

Whether you’re 1 year old or aging in a retirement home, whether you loved the first 2 films as a child or never really even got into the series, whether a fan of animated films or more edgy ones… Toy Story 3 has something for everyone. Being able to juggle all its themes, genres, and target demographics into one bombastically brilliant film, Toy Story 3 would be a contender for Best Motion Picture at the Academy Awards, and is thus far my favorite film of 2010. Disney-Pixar is just one grand ol’ studio.

10/10.

-Kyle Shelton

Lady Gaga’s Alejandro Video; AKA Dirty Army Nun.

Alejandro, as a song, wasn’t and isn’t my favorite of her repertoire. In fact, I still love Bad Romance and its… “multifaceted” video the most. Alejandro doesn’t feel like it has a true grasp on what kind of song it wants to be, and this is ever evident in the wishy washy new video.

Let me put out my exact thought: it’s not terrible (a la Telephone video), but it’s just starting to seem like Gaga just wants to push the envelope more and more, both with censors and with people’s liberal agendas. You can watch the video for yourself here and let me know what you think.

…Did you see it? Because I really hope you’re not a devout Christian. In the latest near-9-minute spectacle, Gaga can be seen being raped by several men with bowl haircuts in heels, dancing with 2 M16 machine guns strapped to her brazier, and deep-throating a rosary. Of course, this is all aside from her practically having rodeo sex with a chained up man, and there are a few Nazi references thrown around (most notably, the costumes of some soldiers).

Now I get some of the message about conformity, religion and government (and a possible response to the whole Westboro Baptist Church incident), but where do any of the lyrics play into this? Plenty of artists constantly put out music videos that are either completely unrelated to the accompanying song or are so veiled in “depth” that no one sees it. Alejandro is just another example of this; I thought the song was about Gaga having a lover (or possibly more) who she just wanted to hook up with and nothing more. Then we get homosexual Nazis in fishnet stockings.

But I digress; I’m all for some envelope-pushing censor slapping nonsense. In the context of the song and the video itself, though… it just feels weird. Of course, Gaga is no stranger to the odd, queer or downright mind-boggling, but where some of her videos feel more polished and refined, this one feels like a haphazardly slaphappy cornucopia of spontaneity. It progresses as though each scene was meant to be a “look how crazy this is” scene, topping each of the scenes before it. This might sound like it would be a pretty good pace, but it’s not. And if you’re a fan of Madonna’s at all, you might be offended at how Madonna-esque the video is, with the sexuality, hair, strange alteration to women’s underwear and black and white filters all referencing some of her 80’s work.

So really, Gaga’s most lasting legacy thus far is her disregard for normalcy and her obsession with the socially arcane (or, let’s say, batshit bonkers), which is fine and dandy but I’m afraid by her next single or album, she might just be pushing it too far. Again, like I said, I’m all for crazy and ridiculous, and the more over-the-top something is, the more I love it… however, it literally just feels like she might be trying too hard to be different. We get it Stefanie, you’re a deviant and you play by your own rules. That’s fine… but would it kill you to make a video that made sense for once? AND ONE THAT ISN’T A SHORT FILM DRESSED IN DRAG? I wouldn’t be too surprised if she put on that bird’s nest concoction she wore to the VMA’s and flipped pancakes with an anteater for 14 minutes and called it “Polka Dot Dragon.”

Glee Turning to Gay-lee Very Very Fast.

[SPOILER ALERT: The following paragraph(s) contain spoilers on the storyline of the series up to Season 1, Episode Episode 18, “Laryngitis” of Glee.]

Glee is probably now the most successful new show of the last television season for multiple reasons. First, it’s immensely different than most shows. Second, it’s a genre-blending mix of emotions. Third, everyone loves a good cover track.

Whether you like the show or not, I don’t think you can safely deny the fact that it is certainly starting to become way too preachy. The last episode, “Laryngitis,” was all about being true to you and who you are and all that fun stuff we’ve been told by Nick Jr. for the last 20 years. In addition, this whole “Kurt being a victim” thing has to end, immediately. It’s great that the media as a whole is accepting homosexuality and other used-to-be taboo topics, but Glee is starting to push how much anyone really cares about it. Gay or not, Kurt is a great character with a great voice, and Chris Colfer (the actor who plays him) is excellent; the story about his dad accepting him as being gay is just too much. From the get-go, his dad was very accepting and even moreso than most real-life parents are. So why does Kurt keep playing the victim? If anything, Kurt is a villain. He takes his “straight crush” on Finn to the next level by creepily matchmaking his own father with Finn’s mother (both of which are single due to a dead spouse) so he and Finn can be closer to eachother. Inevitably, this blows up in his face, making him extremely jealous of this new found bond between his father and Finn.

This last episode wasn’t “bad,” per-say, but it definitely isn’t the best choice to show someone who’s never seen the show before. The side-story that quickly started and ended in the most hastily paced side-story of all time about Puck’s using of Mercedes to reclaim his popularity served as merely an excuse for the two to have a duet, fill some Fox time, and place Mercedes back in her lowly Glee Club spot. Cheap. Oh and let’s not forget the quadriplegic who reminds Rachel that there’s more to life than just her singing. Again, this was a side-story that started and ended almost too fast, and you can probably bet you’ll never be seeing the bed-ridden football player again… or at least not any time soon.

So, here’s to tonight’s episode bringing back the Glee in my heart for the series. What do you think about the last “Glee?”

New Pokemon Starters Not So “Black & White”

Nintendo and the Official Pokemon Black & White website have recently announced the 3 new starter Pokemon that will begin the next generation. Just like in every good handheld Pokemon game ever made, you're given the option of 1 of 3 special, exotic Pokemon to start your epic adventure around color-coded towns in a faux Japanese continent.

Have you seen them yet? Here they are:

Now, who’s ready for some speculation? Smiling Emoticon.

Here’s what you can pretty much tell (especially from the thousands of fan sites who already foretold every possibly detail of the new games). The one on the far left is the Grass-type, the middle one is the Fire-type, and the right one is the Water-type. Their Japanese names have been released, as well: (from left to right) Tsutaja,the “grass snake Pokemon,” Pokabu the “fire pig Pokemon,” and Mijumaru, the “sea otter Pokemon.”

Let me start off by saying that Mijumaru looks like an apathetic, lonely terribly diseased fetus. While the evolved forms for each of these haven’t been released yet, I sure hope the water otter gets a little hotter. Personally, I think Tsutaja looks the coolest so far, and is bound to have interesting evolutions; it’s also the more sly-looking one out of the bunch, sacrificing its cuteness for to-come badassness. Then Pokabu is… well, it’s cute I guess. I’m sure its final evolution will be some Mamoswine-sized behemoth with tusks and a volcano spewing out of its nose or something. As of right now, I’m not terribly impressed with the new designs, save for Zorua and Zoroark from a while back who look pretty cool (despite Dark-types being the black sheep of the Pokemon types).

I believed Generation III to be the weakest entry in the Pokemon foray so far, mostly due to poor new design (and a terrible plot). Generation IV, more or less, made up for it, but nostalgia aside, I yearn for the days of Red and Blue or even Gold and Silver. They were simpler times yet infinitely more enjoyable times, and though it may be obvious that Generation V is only going to add and complicate things further, hopefully it begins to get rid of some of the more ridiculous aspects (like Pokemon moods/natures) in favor for some supremely awesome features (like interspecies FUSION… or something).

So let me know what your thoughts are: are the new starters cool? Are they lame? Is one more dopey looking than the others (cough Mijumaru cough)?