Resident Evil: Afterlife Review: The Afterlife is going to Suck.

Dear 3D,

Hey. I have a problem with you. You seem to be obnoxiously popping your head in every place you can without any regard for the movies you taint so terribly. Just because Avatar ended up being a great 3D experience doesn't mean every film will be a great 3D experience. Just because things pop out at you and it feels like you can grab them doesn't mean it will enhance the film in any way. Just because movie studios think a bunch of people paying $5-10 extra to look like mental clinic patients all in the same room with gigantic, impractical eye-glasses is hilarious doesn't mean we think it's hilarious.

...yet I will still continue to fall for the cheap gimmick every time.

However, this doesn't mean I won't rant in rage against any 3D film that abuses that extra dimension advantage over other films every chance I get. I'm talking about the new Resident Evil: Afterlife film, also known as The Matrix 4: Zombie Slaying Women in Tight Clothing directed by Zack Snyder.

TM4:ZSWiTC was a bit of a letdown, 3D. Sure, the film itself was pretty bad, but your slow motion and blatantly amateur level of 3D layering was extremely offensive to me. At any point in the film, I could've taken off the dual picture frames hugging my face and visibly noticed exactly where the post-production team cut off 3D effects and started them. Tsk tsk, shame on you.

TM4:ZSWiTC isn't the first film to abuse you, though, but it's only in a long-running list that's starting to undermine what you COULD be. Avatar did you right; hell, even Toy Story 3 used you to great advantage. Even Piranha 3D was praised by critics, specifically for the your inclusion. Perhaps you should start attributing yourself to more meaningful and highly-regarded media... once Pride and Prejudice is remade for a 3D revival, you might get the attention you deserve. Run with it, 3D. Just run with it...

Unfortunately, you're stuck with films like TM4:ZSWiTC. Let me expound on what made this film so bad and perhaps you'll know what not to do from now on.

TM4:ZSWiTC is a cheap, clingy whore. You pay your money to get your thrills, and once you're done, you feel like you need to see a doctor as fast as possible. Also, she's a bit predictable. I'll say I pretty much called 90% of all important... er, "important" plot developments in the film. Too much in TM4:ZSWiTC was just completely unnecessary, like the adorable little Asian intern who literally does NOTHING. No. Thing. His inclusion in the movie is unbeknownst to me to this point in my life. I don't care that I'm spoiling this for you, but he's killed off about halfway through just to let everyone else in the room know that there miiiiiiiiiiiiiight be danger afoot. The plot mirrors the plot of Extinction in terms of characters, considering Alice is by herself being awesome, then encounters a group of survivors whom don't all survive, then she leads them to safety and freedom only to be put in danger once again and leave a ridiculous cliffhanger at the end. Also, if TM4:ZSWiTC was played at a normal rate, the movie would probably be an hour long. So many slow motion sequences end up proving that "too much of a good thing" is a terrible thing. The Matrix did it right; TM4:ZSWiTC is abusive.

So when it comes down to it, Resident Evil: Aft- I mean TM4:ZSWiTC - ends up being typical. Nothing new or inventive, nothing memorable, nothing truly spectacular. This will most likely be known as the Saw IV of the Resident Evil series (and don't tell me you remember anything from Saw IV, because you don't).

Sincerely with a 4/10,
Kyle Shelton

The Fourth Kind Review: The Worst Kind

Okay, before I even talk about the film, let's get the one big thing out of the way first: the "true story" allegations behind it. While it's difficult to verify Dr. Abigail Tyler's true involvement in the film and whether or not the "home video" style footage was real, there was a slew of (poor) viral marketing used to promote the film before it was released. By poor, I mean rushed and futile in the shadow of Paranormal Activity. The Fourth Kind's biggest mistake was attempting to capitalize on the kind of advertising put forth by Paranormal and Cloverfield. It succeeded to get audiences and media hype because of its wishy-washy stance on its own "true story," but one statement revealed in the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner stated:

"On November 12, 2009 Universal Pictures agreed to a $20,000 settlement with the Alaska Press Club 'to settle complaints about fake news archives used to promote the movie.' Universal acknowledged that they created fake online news articles and obituaries to make it appear that the movie had a basis in real events."


I can't say without 100% doubt that the film is completely fake, but that's the direction that I'm leaning in, especially with Universal admitting that they created a huge fake database as the source for most of the film's citation.

With that out of the way, The Fourth Kind is pretty bad. It follows the story of Dr. Abigail Emily Tyler (Milla Jovovich, Abigail Tyler), a psychologist who resides in Nome, Alaska. After sessions with several different patients, she notices a strange trend and continuity in their stories that assert the witnessing of an owl or owl-like figuring either inhabiting their homes or stalking them outside. When put under hypnosis, these patients soon show signs of psychosis, schizophrenia, etc...but more importantly, they all seem to be deathly afraid of some kind of invasion in their home. Several events take place, and Tyler decides to call in her colleague, Dr. Abel Campos (Elias Koteas) to witness and assess the patients alongside her. She then notices a strange language being spoken and calls another professor, Dr. Awolowa Odusami (Hakeem Kae-Kazim) to interpret.

Well, hell ensues. As you probably could have guessed, alien abduction becomes the main suspect in the various cases. The premise (including the marketing) is certainly interesting and doesn't fail on its own, but the problem lies within the execution. The Fourth Kind retains a few choice moments that will send chills down your spine (including the police investigative videos and the ending sequences), but overall, it's a bore. One, long, painful-at-times bore. At some point, you'll wish you'd get abducted from the theater to save the intermittent "plot points" to connect the shock shots.

Perhaps I'm being a little cruel; at least some of the crucial plot points occur within the scary moments so they're not JUST for show. In the end, though, The Fourth Kind is extremely shallow and falls prey to the basic horror formula. Scares are incredibly predictable, but not in that fun way that they were in Paranormal Activity. One of my biggest gripes about a lot of horror films is the "loud noise" that occurs in order to scare the audience. Without such a sound effect, the moment would not have been nearly as scary or threatening and it's just a cheap and artificial maneuver to grab some gasps. Time and time again, it works, but I have a feeling even the most scared, attention-grabbing sorority damsel in distress will tire of these cheap tactics.

There's also no momentum in the film to really propel it forward. You're looking forward to one event the entire time: the advent of the aliens. Similar to the propulsion used in M. Night Shyamalan's "Signs," you just want to see the damn extraterrestrials already. I don't want to give away anything, but I'll just say that the plot ending is pretty disappointing. If we're going to talk about the ending, though, the last few scenes are full of sheer terror and relatively inventive filmmakin; nothing too exciting, but worth mentioning. I have a bias to be scared of anything dealing with the paranormal or extraordinary (like ghosts and aliens), so I couldn't sleep for a while...but that doesn't necessarily mean the film was good or highly effective in its attempts.

Milla Jovovich does a surprisingly good job playing Dr. Abigail Tyler, and alongside the attention-catching gimmick, she provides the main source of intrigue in this film for me. I may not be her biggest fan, but she pulls quite the dramatic punch with her performance in The Fourth Kind. Again, nothing to write home about...

And that remains the problem. The film is full of interesting ideas and concepts and handles them poorly at times but only moderately well at others. The Fourth Kind is shoddy and becomes uninteresting halfway through. In fact, it feels like a chore; it draws you in with its remnant of a storyline and then just bores you to tears. It's bitter-bitter: you want to leave yet you can't...attributing to this may be the promise of a hugely shocking scenario. Early on the film, you witness one specific scene (just wait for the police-car footage) that makes you think the rest of the film will be just as intense and disturbing...then you realize that it's not.

All in all, The Fourth Kind has its share of chilly spine-tinglers, but has somewhat of a glass ceiling over itself that it never breaks through. Believe what you will, but there's no denying that The Fourth Kind just didn't live up to its own hype. We may now face an alien invasion due solely to the fact that any otherworldly race may feel insulted by this.

4.0/10
-Kyle Shelton