Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Review

I finally watched the fourth installment of the preposterously lucrative and popular "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise, entitled, with barely a breath to spare, "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides." They should have divided it up into parts just to be a little extra ridiculous, and acknowledged which installment. Imagine: "Pirates of the Caribbean Four: On Stranger Tides: Part 1: The Fountain of Youth." 


But no, seriously, Pirates 4 (much easier) is not very good. Or "good" for that matter. In a nutshell, Pirates 4 mirrors the last film in many ways: the special effects still dazzle, explosions abound and astound, sword-fights are exquisitely heart-pounding, and there is a lot of water. Unfortunately, most of the cons have carried over as well: needlessly overwrought dialogue, an overly ambitious plot, a weak script with weaker performances, and new characters we could care less about. Perhaps the most glaring failure of this installment as well as its predecessor is how tiresome [Captain] Jack Sparrow has gotten over the years.


As far as I know, most people will concede that the first "Pirates" film is still the best. Of course, when confronted with the ever-astounding "Why is that so?" I'll probably get a blank stare and an explanation not unlike "because it's the original. Duh."


Albeit, most franchises tend to hold the first installment most prominently - the shiny trophy that everyone still holds the standard to. Yet there are plenty of trilogies and what-have-you that improved with time, and even if this weren't true, this doesn't mean that just because something came first, it is automatically better. How many parents consider their oldest child their most sacred? Practically none. And don't even get me started on middle-children.


It's usually the "only" children who get the best treatment. They don't have to comprise quantity for quality or vice-versa because they get A LOT of AWESOME things. Thus, while I certainly have enjoyed all the Pirates films up to this point, even "On Stranger Tides," not only do I vastly prefer the original but I think it should have been left alone.


Leave it to our industry to milk one good thing for all its worth, though. I'm looking at "The Hangover 2" or "Part 2" or "The Same Movie You Saw 2 Years Ago but in Asia." Okay, I haven't seen it, but that's what I'm expecting and that's probably what I (i.e. we) will get.


But you're not reading this because you want to hear me moan about a movie that hasn't come out yet! No! You're probably here because I guilt tripped you into reading and "liking" this because I fear no one cares about my opinion! And also to (maybe) hear more about Pirates 4.


Everything I've just said applies to the new "Pirates" so far, though. It's giving us more of what we want... it's not giving us pirates and the open sea and the hilarious antics of a monkey; it's giving us Captain Jack Sparrow. Realistically, the film might as well be called "Pirate of the Caribbean." Throughout the years, I've still held Captain Hector Barbossa as the best character and the scene-stealer, from the beginning up to now. In the first film, Sparrow and Barbossa were about on equal footing, but due to my instinctive need to be "different," I gave Barbossa the upper-hand. And I've proudly stood my ground. Jack Sparrow (oh, sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow, because that joke hasn't gotten old) has just lost his touch. He chimes in with a witty one-liner here and there, and Depp's acting is impeccable, but those are his best characteristics. In the original Pirates, top billing went to Bloom and Knightley before Depp. Of course, Sparrow is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than "Will Turner" and "Elizabeth Swan" in almost every respect, but using him as a secondary character worked tremendously better than putting his face on EVERYTHING and up-selling it. 


But that's Disney, isn't it? They've become so successful because they know how to milk. If the Disney corporation was a farmer's company, we would be drinking milk out of our faucets. And speaking of milk, that's what I'm comparing Jack Sparrow to. A lot of people love him! Some think he's gross. Others just don't care or can't really get into him (probably due to a medical condition). But he's only great for so long and in spurts; you leave him around for a whopping EIGHT years, he's going to grow gross and he'll need to be thrown away. At that point, the only people that will like him are the same who prefer chunky moldy milk.. you know, the weird people.


Alright, no offense to the Jack Sparrow devotees. I still like him and, as stated before, Depp's performance is brilliant. There's only so many times he can stumble around in an effeminate matter, get a close up on his gold teeth, and make fun of anyone and everyone he can. That got pretty old in the second film, let alone the third and fourth. But nothing "piratey" is going to sell unless Depp's mug is all over it, so what else can you expect?


Also stated above, all the effects and blockbuster elements are there and just as good as ever, despite lacking a whirlpool vortex of doom. The action sequences are all directed superbly, though the film delved into camp territory with the whole mermaid sequence. Also, I'm sure plenty of people were excited for the idea of "zombies" in Pirates 4, but they're not there. I mean, they are, but nary a zombie-related concept is referenced. They serve as loyal, super-strong subordinates of Captain Blackbeard, and that's it. I think there is a scene where someone stabs one of the zombies through the heart, and then the zombie doesn't die. Awesome.


Speaking of Captain Blackbeard, what the f***? Here's a list of what Captain Blackbeard can, allegedly, do with his mystical sword of God:

-Shrink objects
-Create weather
-Telekinetically control inanimate objects
-Raise people from the dead (and then give them the power of super strength and receive eternal loyalty)
-Voodoo
-Probably something else that I forgot

A good argument, one that I uphold, against most of my grievances is the simple "It's a movie, get over it!" Alas, everything in a film has to go together and be consistent. So while the "Kraken" hasn't been proven to exist and Tia Dalma can summon thunderstorms and grow into the 50-foot woman at will, excuse me for being taken aback when Blackbeard can f***ing control things with his mind. If he had a white beard, people would have thought this was a Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings/Pirates crossover, except not knowing who was who. Blackbeard was never referenced before this (much less his superpowers), so yes, it's shoddy writing when that's how they pose him as a threat. These powers don't even help him accomplish anything! Each of these magical abilities are exposed once, then forgotten. So who cares if he's psychic? Barbossa and Davy Jones were way more iconic and they didn't resort to raising the dead to do it. Sure, knock them for being supernatural since one was a REAL zombie and the other was a fishman, but these were both concepts that were referenced and kept consistent throughout the films. The world of Pirates of the Caribbean, despite being far from "realistic," has mostly posed plausible situations (at least within its own territory). I don't think any pirates escaped being hung or shot in the manner (or as many times) as Jack Sparrow has, but at least he didn't just summon a cloud that took him away as it rained fire on his enemies. No, he (more or less) cleverly utilizes his surroundings to his advantage to flee from his pursuers, only using lethal violence as a last resort. He's kind of like Batman. Batman is awesome. So is Jack Sparrow (when he's doing stunts).


His main nemesis in the film? Everyone, I guess, but his main-main nemesis is Blackbeard. It's beyond me why Blackbeard even has a sword when he can control ropes with his mind to hang a dozen people or just shrink them to the size of a shilling and the squash them. Or, better yet, why didn't he just kill everyone and then raise them from the dead? He would have an unbeatable army of pirates who obey ONLY HIM. If Sparrow is like Batman (who is awesome), then Blackbeard is like an evil Superman (who is overpowered and awful).


And just because every movie ever released absolutely has to have a romantic sub-plot (which, if you read any of my other reviews like a real friend, you'd know I hate), you have two to tango with: Jack with Angelica (Penelope Cruz) and some mermaid who was named, like a newly bought puppy, "Syrena" with a crazy religious fellow named Philip (Astrid Frisbey and Sam Claflin, respectively). I find it peculiar and a bit funny that Philip is heavily referenced as being a man of God, always donning a bible and talking about saving one's soul and whatnot, but the guy gets stabbed twice, is tied to the mast of a ship for a veiled amount of time, and is even patronized for his beliefs. Realistically, though, he is the only "good" character with the only "good" morals and objectives. I was always a fan of Sparrow's ever-ambiguous side-taking, but in the end he's just selfish and trusts no one. Despite never really liking Swan or Turner from the older films, their innocence and naiveness were charming and complimented Sparrow's performance and hilarious lines, usually at their expense. If you've seen the last three films, you'll know it's bad when you start to miss Swan and Turner.  Every other character is virtually the same, with the small exception of Angelica, but even she double-crosses a few times. 


And she's a pirate so by default she's going to hell. But back to Syrena and Philip, their ..."relationship" is severely underplayed. Philip apparently loves her, but with no justification. She's a bone-munching version of "The Little Mermaid," and even Ariel was a thief and an idiot. In the end, he falls for her for her looks... which, coming from a morally positive man of the Lord, is a pretty shallow reason to fall in love with someone. And a stupid one, at that, considering that's their feature that kills people. They lure men with their angelic beauty, and then eat them. That's like if you became infatuated with Freddy Kreuger because he's the man of your dreams. So why would you trust her, Philip? I'm still convinced she killed and ate him at the end, for the record. 


You know what, though? None of my words matter. None of the words of any critic or any person in the world will matter. If you've seen the last three films, you will most likely be watching this one for the shameless popcorn-movie that it is. Several instances of the film make absolutely no sense (both physically and psychologically), none of the characters are interesting, certain questionable elements (like a certain accident that has befallen Barbossa) are flat-out explained to the audience like an end-user license agreement, Sparrow's funniest moments aren't in this film, and it just feels rushed and haphazardly thrown together. I totally approve of another installment of the "Pirates" franchise, but I sincerely wish they downplayed Sparrow a bit, had a more interesting and well-developed story, more interesting characters (Blackbeard is hardly a villain, especially compared to Davy Jones) and made it less than two hours. I enjoyed the film, mainly by pretending I was a 5 year old boy who was permitted to watch a "big boy" movie by my mom, but upon realizing I have quadrupled in age since then, I also realized my intelligence and dignity have as well.


...Even if I still threw $8.50 at Disney for this movie. But I did it angrily.


4.0/10
-Kyle Shelton

Alice in Wonderland Review: Lands without Wonder.

The original “Alice in Wonderland” film, although panned by Walt Disney himself, was and is a staple in cinematic animation and in the memory banks of people fortunate enough to have experienced the high. The new “Alice in Wonderland” is a staple in… a piece of black paper that Tim Burton vomited all over.

What do you need to know? The new Alice is still wacky and weird in lovable ways, but it’s actually a sequel to the original film and the books “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” and “Through the Looking Glass.” If you’re expecting the original tale told all over again…well, watch the original all over again. Otherwise, we now have an extension of what happened, but what may perplex the audience is that Tim Burton considers his version neither a sequel nor a reimagining. In essence, that’s probably what ultimately brings the film down: Alice in Wonderland has no idea what it wants to be.

While the original stories were completely absurd and nonsensical [ON PURPOSE], Tim Burton decided it would be a fantastical idea to make this version linear and very finely plotted [ON PURPOSE]. Well, in essence, he f***ed up [ON ACCIDENT]. To be completely honest, had this film come out almost identical to what it is now and another version of Alice had never come out before, this might just be a pretty great film. The truth of the matter is that there was already a version of Alice out: the original books. These original books had a point and are respectable works of literature. This Alice just seems to be a cash-in on the success of the famous cartoon that came out in 1951 and it worked. This isn’t exactly surprising, as most people who watched the cartoon loved it and to know that none other than Tim “Johnny Depp’s Secret Male Lover” Burton is helming it only adds a bar of Xanax to the cocaine-infused acid trip it already was. It works, for the most part. The characters are all still quirky and the best part of the story, the landscapes and CGI work are all beautifully rendered and top-notch and the story is fun enough [although cliché too often]. Unfortunately, much of Alice’s “wonder” is gone, and interchanged for bravery and boldness as she stands up to the Mad Hatter and takes on the role of a dragon-slayer. She’s also a bit more cunning and clever, which might make sense because this is a… well, certainly not a sequel since Burton doesn’t think so, but a continuation.

The plot is unbalanced at first: Alice tumbles down the rabbit hole and treats everything like she did before with the same bewilderment and curiosity. However, it is made clear that these events are taking place much later in her life, after they already happened, so the question arises whether the first time it happened was just a weird dream or just as real as this time? That’s a bit confusing, but then she acts like she’s the hottest thing to ever walk Underland [aka Wonderland]. So what, exactly is she?

Luckily, every character you meet is immediately memorable and lovable, especially (as you’d assume) The Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp) and the Red Queen {Helena Bonham-Carter). Both of these characters are incredibly quirky and you await every scene containing them. The Mad Hatter is just as crazy as before, but with the Jack Sparrow-esque feel to him that makes him completely huggable yet devastatingly badass at the same time. Then of course there’s the Red Queen, who’s just deliciously evil, mixing some light-hearted self-loving troublemaking with some truly villainous traits [specifically her love of decapitation]. The minor characters are all great too, though, from the bloodhound who wants his family back to the cracked out Hare to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. That’s what works, and Tim Burton isn’t exactly a stranger to quirky characters.

All in all, the film suffers because of its overdone yet classic “hero’s journey” style of story-telling. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but it becomes predictable, which completely undermines the otherwise otherworldly feel the film retains. Burton missed the mark on what could have been a much better and memorable take on the whole series, but at least he created great atmosphere and truly original art direction that alludes to his usual family-friendly morbid oddball direction. Cheers to what you see and hear, negative cheers to what you experience overall.

6.0/10

-Kyle Shelton

Summer Threeview!

Okay, you're asking yourself (if you're reading this) "What the f!$& is a 'Summer Threeview?"

Well, loyal and/or not-so-loyal reader, let me tell you! "Threeview" refers to the fact that Summer is 1/3 of the way over! So, I've picked my top 3 movies of the Summer so far as well as the top 3 movies I can't wait to see.

So, let us begin with the top 3 movies of Summer so far:

3.The Hangover
Yes, the story of a bachelor's party gone terribly awry due to alcohol actually garners my respect. In fact, its my favorite comedy of the year thus far. Why? Because The Hangover isn't an insult to the American lifestyle and traditions we hold unlike most movies of the same genre/style. Actually, it kind of is, but more than an insult its a tease and a commemoration of just how ridiculous the antics of our society really are. It's not a stupid movie; if you can fathom this, its a dumb movie done intelligently. The Hangover is hysterical, continuously comedic, and entertaining through and through. There's tigers, Mike Tyson, a baby, Andy from The Office, a metrosexual Asian mafia leader, and plenty of nudity. And hey, if you liked Old School or American Pie, you're gonna love The Hangover. If you didn't like either of those, you're STILL gonna love The Hangover because its better.




2. Up
Of course, how could someone not include a Disney-Pixar feature when they're talking about their favorite movies? Besides Dreamworks at least...copycats. Just kiddin, Dreamworks, we loved Shrek! And Shrek 2!.......Just the first two..take a hint.

Anyway, Up is a fantastically imaginative story that is whimsical as it is mature. Kids will love it, Adults will love it, and everyone in between will love it. It's just one of those lovable movies from almost every aspect, and Up is certainly no let-down from Pixar. Where kiddish movies like Night at the Museum and Land of the Lost weren't so hot in the "That movie was really good!" department, Up is just the type of film to take kids to...over and over again. I mean, c'mon, what's not to love about a cute and grumpy old man, a clutzy asian Boy Scout, a talking dog, and a peacock/emu/dodo bird hybrid called a "Snipe" who can say more without even making a noise than most can do with an entire speech.


1. Star Trek
You probably saw this coming...as far as Summer blockbusters go, Star Trek is that money-hording thrill ride everyone wants. But wait, there's more! It's not bad! Sure, everyone loves comic book movies or Transformers, but not all of these films really live up to the hype. They're flashy, dazzling, and have that nuance of nostalgia we all crave, but in hindsight, they were just "okay" in the sense of a well-rounded movie. But Star Trek takes the cake from the gimmick bakery and and boldly goes...well you know. A fantastic cast, expert direction, and a witty and bombastic script combine to form what is, ultimately, the perfect movie experience. You leave content and have your expectations shattered into zillions of pieces. Its that movie you recommend to all your friends...and for many, it was a surprise hit (due to the "Trekky" fanbase that seem to be the only ones to actually get excitement when an announcement like this is made). So kudos, Sir Abrams. May your sequels live long and prosper.



Intermission!

Just kidding...unless you actually left this article and did something else for a few minutes before reading on. In that case, in all seriousness. Here we are to my, personal, top 3 contenders for most anticipated Summer movie of 2009 as of June 8! Let it begin!


3. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
G.I. Joe. If you were a kid in the 80's or 90's, just hearing that name gets you inappropriately aroused. So when Paramount Pictures announced an official G.I. Joe movie, well, you can imagine the reaction. All those secret agents, ninjas, robots, mech suits, jet planes, guns, superpowers, terrorists, and weapons of mass destruction are back in superior special effects for its Summer blockbuster debut. Why am I excited? I'll admit, I was never the biggest fan of G.I. Joe...but, I did love the toys and watched the cartoon here and there. Its just one of those childhood remembrances that I can't get rid of, so I'm just naturally ecstatic. But what gets me more is the action packed trailer. Now, if that trailer just doesn't scream "COOL" right at your face for all two minutes, then I seem to have forgotten what "cool" is. As an actual all-around cinematic feature, we'll see if it has what it takes. But as a Summer blockbuster filled with combustible everything from start to finish, its looking to keep me on the edge of my seat through and through (due to fear of an ejection seat going haywire).

2. Public Enemies

Well, this entry isn't so much a Summer blockbuster as it is just a Johnny Depp declaration of "Aww shi*." The man is back as the main baddie/goodie in Public Enemies, the story of John Dillinger. If that poster doesn't already pull you in, check out the trailer. And if THAT doesn't make you want to see it immediately, well then go watch a movie about a forbidden romance between two star-crossed lovers that takes place during the Renaissance or something. Michael Mann looks to be the Man in this feature which he directs. On top of the in-your-face badass style which Public Enemies seems to be heading towards, the soundtrack is engaging and enthralling, or so it seems. This is the kind of movie I'm going to walk out of pretending to shoot up the theater with the justification that the other patrons just "don't understand me." Don't worry, it makes sense. If you love crime dramas, gangster, and/or Johnny Depp, get ready to get your ass kicked on July 1, 2009. (No androgynous drunk pirates were harmed in the making of this film).

1. Inglourious Basterds
Okay okay, so I'm a bit of a Quentin Tarantino fanboy. But, can you blame me? Tarantino stands tall amongst today's directors as one of the best and most beloved. Unfortunately, he likes to have a decent hiatus between his films, usually between 2-3 years. So finally, after a 2 year hiatus after Death Proof, Tarantino returns in his violent and overblown form with a story of Nazi annihilation. Yes, its a World War II story directed by Quentin Tarantino. I'm not quite sure I have the words to describe how perfectly suited he is for such a role. The trailer shows Brad Pitt simply being a badass and ordering the acquisition of 100 Nazi scalps...and he wants his scalps. This trailer shows that Tarantino isn't messing around and this is meant to be one of his masterpieces to show off from his repertoir. What else could be a more perfect end to Summer than a movie about collecting Nazi scalps in France? A movie about collecting Nazi scalps in France directed by Quentin Tarantino and starring Brad Pitt and Ryan from The Office...yes, really.


Aaaaaand there you have it! Kyle Shelton's Summer Threeview! Now, I know a lot of you are probably all ancy because I didn't include X-Men in my favorite films nor did I include Transformers 2 or Harry Potter in my anticipation part...well, I love X-Men, but more like that family member that gives you presents every year and you'd be sad if he/she died but you're not exactly psyched to go see when mom and dad decide its their house's turn for Thanksgiving this year...

Long analogies aside, X-Men was great but didn't hold up to the first 2 X-Men films nor the the overall comic book counterpart of a storyline. As for Transformers, I'm going to go see it, as is 99% of the United States' population, but if I didn't, I really wouldn't be that disappointed. I only liked the first Transformers, and the trailer for this second one really hasn't gotten me in a twisted bundle like the other films I mentioned. In fact, I'm more stoked to see "Funny People" than Transformers 2, but I'm still excited. What can you hate about giant robots beating the bejesus out of eachother, right?

And Harry Potter...well, I haven't finished all your films, and I've only completely read 2 of your books. The movie certainly looks promising, but considering its an adaptation of a craze I never got too into, I'll let it slide as just a mild intrigue rather than full-fledged midnight premiere-worthy fiasco.