I had no idea there was an older film called “The Crazies” off of which this new “The Crazies” is based, so I’m not going to make any comparisons or allusions. With that said, “The Crazies” angered men quite a bit, making me want to walk all the way to Hollywood and smash the heads of anyone who write screenplays for horror films. Why?
Everything in The Crazies has, and I CANNOT emphasize this enough, BEEN DONE BEFORE. Okay, we get it, there’s an evil government conspiracy running amuck in a remote farming town in WhoTheF***CaresVille and a very close-knit community slowly has to cope with the concept that not everything in the world is honky-dory all the time. Except that the pace suddenly shifts from slow-building tension to absolute anarchy anti-Christ decimation in a matter of minutes. Why? I don’t know, ask the producers OH WAIT don’t because they don’t have brains and have probably produced the same movie 20 times. In fact, I’m pretty sure the producers, writers, director and everyone else involved with The Crazies secretly hide in movie theaters when this kind of film comes out to laugh and blow their noses with cash every time some half-retarded half-horny sorority whore clinches her macho boyfriend when so much as a mouse with a smirk squeaks off-screen.
I’m sorry, was I ranting? Because if you don’t think I was, I’m about to be.
Non-diegetic noises as a means of scaring audiences NEED TO STOP. I’m all for some classic horror, but if someone is slowly peering around a corner and all of a sudden a fly buzzes in front of you to the tune of a 2-second violin screech, I’m not going to be scared but apparently everyone will think a ghost had just licked their shoulder. Honestly, WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH AIRLINE FOOD CHEAP SCARES?! This is primarily why I love films like Blair Witch, The Strangers or Paranormal Activity: because they don’t resort to the cheap and mundane forms of scaring you. God forbid someone is in the medicine cabinet mirror only after you close it and a loud musical piece is played just as the character discovers it. It’s not effective any more, people are just suspending their disbelief so much these days that anything will scare them and THAT is why horror movies are getting any credit… that and also because they’re all terrible remakes featuring little girls with long black hair.
But I digress, The Crazies isn’t a complete failure; there are a few scenes that may stick in your mind, and one such scene takes place in a car wash. This brings me to my next point: practically every scene in The Crazies is either professionally handled and greatly directed ORRRR looks like a 4-year-old on a sugar rush just had an epileptic seizure while holding a camera. Also, although I said that most of the film has all been done before, there are a few moments of pure surprise when a plot takes an interesting turn in a completely different direction, although I’d hardly call any of these moment real game changers. Of course the last 4 attractive people in this god forsaken county just so happen to be the only survivors of what I can only call a pseudo-zombie outbreak (considering George A. Romero produced it, that’s probably what he was going for) but as it stands, these people who turn from normal to bat sh** crazy aren’t your typical zombies because they still have brains and can somehow manage to drive and utilize guns. Therefore, I guess they’re just…really mad lepers?
Whatever you want to call them, there’s very little to redeem “The Crazies” from its overly familiar setting, characters and story. Sure, take your loved one to see this film to give you an excuse to hold them tightly, but if you want to save $10, turn all the lights off and yell “Ooga booga booga.”
5.0/10
-Kyle Shelton
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